The Pause

Again - before I talk about life after, I should probably tell you about the pause.  Was quite a long one and, honestly, I have just recently decided that I could move to the after.  Some days it feels like a lifetime ago, other days I get hit with a wave and I feel like I'm still in it.  If you know me, you know this story already so feel free to move on.

Pause #1: November 2017

This was the one that kicked everything off.  Life was normal; I had it by the tail and was moving in a direction I loved.  With my kids, my marriage, my work, my health - all was where I wanted it to be.  Then the game of whack-a-mole started.  I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  It came out of nowhere and threw me (and those around me) for a loop.  I won't linger on it, but needless to say it was one of the most challenging things I had ever faced.  Surgery, chemo, bone density infusions, medication - not to mention the mental toll.  I won't lie though, I didn't deal with the mental stuff at the time.  I just figured I could get through it and move on.  So I put one foot in front of the other and boxed it all away (as I do).  Dealt with the joint pain, brain fog, memory issues, not being able to find words, anxiety, feeling overwhelmed - all with the assumption there would be an end date and I would get my "normal" life back.  Then WHACK!

Pause #2: February 2019

Another appointment where they found something that "was probably nothing" - that ended up not nothing.  Brain fog and memory wasn't getting better so got sent for a MRI.  Surprise!!! You have a brain tumour.  Um ok - next period of putting one foot in front of the other and dealing with the specifics related to that.  Good news was cancer hadn't spread; Bad news was because of where it was located I had to have it removed.  So bizarre that I was happy I "only needed brain surgery" (yes those words came out of my mouth).  So in July 2019 I headed into the OR for brain surgery - woke up in pain and confused but they had some pretty good drugs so all was good.  As I recovered, I was thankful that everything was now over and I could get back to getting my "normal" life back.  Then WHACK!

Pause #3: September 2020

While they were evicting my tumour, they discovered that I had a very small brain aneurysm.  Nothing to worry about they said.  It's small, and I would be having MRIs anyway so they could monitor it.  If it started to grow, we would develop a plan.  So we moved on.  My oldest went away for university (remember this was Covid time so that in itself was an experience).  I came back from a quick visit with her and I was exhausted.  Figured it was just cause I had been doing so much the last few weeks.  Took a shower one evening, stepped out and felt like Derek Jeter had hit me in the head with a bat.  Made me drop to my knees.  Crawled onto the bed, hubby came up and said I was whimpering in my sleep and talking jibberish.  Takes me to the hospital and Surprise!! The aneurysm had ruptured and I was having a brain bleed.   Not gonna lie - for this one I didn't really care.  I was in so much pain and incoherent I just wanted them to do whatever they could to make it go away.  But it was in fact the scariest of them all because it was so sudden and unplanned. Resulted in a coil in the vessel and a 30 day hospital stay - definitely was not on my health bingo card.

Pause #4a: April 2021

On the scale, this one was pretty small. They discovered another aneurysm in my brain and decided to add another piece of hardware in my brain.  The stent is supposed to prevent another aneurysm rupture (um yes please - that was horrible).  Day procedure and left on blood thinners with instructions to stop them in 3 months cause that works for 95% of population.

Pause #4b: August 2021

If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm pretty special. Turns out I'm part of the 5% that needs to be on blood thinners longer.  How did I find out? I was at home, by myself, went to get up to take a plate to the kitchen and found myself walking on an angle.  Weird.  Couldn't hold the plate in my left hand.  Weirder. Tried to talk myself out of what was happening and couldn't get the words out.  Weirdest. Ended up calling the ambulance - seriously thought I was having a stroke.  Turns out the blood just wasn't flowing properly through the new stent (TIA if you want the technical term).  Spent overnight in the hospital while they figured it out, go sent home with instructions to stay on blood thinners for another 6 months.  Went back in February of 2022 for them to another angio to make sure things were flowing well before I went off the blood thinners.  Phew - all was done and back to "normal".

After this specific one, the pauses just kind of flow together.  MRI follow ups which are always scary, skin cancer removal (that word associated with me just sends me into a spiral) and post-menopause issues (oh...did I mention I had surgery in 2018 to put me into full blown menopause in an instant?! I had no idea what that would entail, but with everything else going on I didn't really stop and think about it).

Needless to say, it was 5 years of surgeries, MANY treatments and medications and having docs poke around in my brain multiple times.  And I actually thought that when all that was done, I would simply return to the person I was in 2017 with no issue.  My coping mechanism had me believing I would just move on from it all and life would return to "normal" - um, no.  Just no.

J