I'm out for today

So here is the icky part about living in the "after" - you get lulled into thinking it is actually over. That you can pursue normal; that you can get back to doing things you love.  That you are now being rewarded for putting one foot in front of the other for so long, and you can shout "let's go!!"  Then you have a day, or a couple of days, that remind you that it isn't like before.

This week has been one of those weeks.  Nothing major happened, no drama, no more stress than normal.  I just overdid everything in an attempt to push my way out of the funk I've been feeling. As you can probably tell from the title of the post, it didn't work. I feel literally non functional today.

Every joint in my body hurts, I feel puffy, I have a headache and my brain literally feels 10 steps behind everything.  I talk or think, and have a hard time finding words (so apologies in advance if this post isn't as witty or as clearly written as other ones).  I literally feel like no part of me is listening to what I want it to do, and everything is telling me it needs to shut down to recharge. These are the days that aren't just hard, they suck.  I hate this hefty reminder that everything in my life is different because of the last few years.  I hate it because I never know when it is coming, so I'm terrified to make plans in case I have to cancel. I hate it because I don't feel like me and I'm damn tired of feeling this way. I hate it because people who see me regularly know me to have a positive outlook and be strong - and these days I could not feel farther from that person. Yes I'm whining but fuck it - I feel crappy so I'm gonna whine.

But my husband, who is an absolute rock in my world, has seen me push this week.  So when I told him I didn't sleep well and I felt icky today, he said exactly the right thing:  today is for recovery.  He didn't tell me to get up and move, or go for a walk, or ask me to do anything.  He knows that sometimes I need him to say those things.  But he knows me well enough to know that today, I just needed him to say go recover. To everyone out there, this is marriage.  Find someone who knows you well enough to do this (although don't ever be afraid to tell them either!!).

I have the luxury of taking a day to rot (apparently that means do nothing according to my girls) and for that I am eternally grateful. So today I've sat watching TV, writing a little and just being still. With any luck, I'll only need a couple of days to feel back to my normal. And if not, I'll just add another show to my binge list.  

J